I've always been a fan of what Clyde does on and off his board and I couldn't be happier to see him back doing his writing thing in recent weeks over at Vice. The Clyzza writing-style has always had a big influence on me and, straight up, I think skateboarding desperately needs voices like his. So yeah, definitely stoked to have him back, for sure.
But an interesting thing happened the other day when I emailed him about another job well-done with "10 Worst Tricks 2.0", Clyde offered up the unedited version of this article to post on CBI...
And how could I refuse? So here we are.
Now don't get it twisted, most of this did make it in to the original Vice post from earlier this week. But there are a couple of points in here that both Clyde and I feel deserve to see the light of day.
So think of this as the Director's Cut of the film with 5 extra minutes...
Clyde's Corner: 10 Worst Tricks in Skateboarding 2.0 (Unedited)
Since I know exactly what makes you lil crybabies cry... I’ve decided to bring back one of my most famous articles to date. If you do any of these tricks, you’re not as cool as me. If you get offended by anything said in this article, it’s pretty safe to assume you need a hug. With that said, I’m on very borrowed time. So lets get this thing going..
Manual-to-Wallride: just. dumb. oh! You can pop a wheelie before you hit the wall?! Maaaaan! Idiot. That aint impressive. Look, For those of you whom, for some reason, in the year 2012 still can’t actually do a wallride, you’re supposed to pop a wheelie when approaching the wall. Thrust your forward foot up the wall. If you can turn in them tight ass pants. Make it happen. Done. Wallride. Now, that's impressive.
Double-flips: I don't care what variation you do this with- it’s an ugly trick. Too much going on. Looks like a accident. It only impresses people who don't know how to skate. I mean. What more is there? I'm sure if you do this trick, you probably still wear stoned-washed jeans and skate around sweaty & shirtless with a crusty-ass bandana hanging outta your pocket. And probably had a mustache in 7th grade. Seriously. Worst trick.
Crooked grind-to fakie: Seriously? Look, you already got the front truck up there. And you just gone fall back? How do you do that? Would you put your foot on a fence, leave your back foot dangling and try to lay on your back after jumping over it? Exactly. So, why would you do this trick? Smarten up.
Skating a bank, like its coping: Who the hell does “lip tricks” with no lip? Here’s a novel idea. Why don't you take your lazy ass to an empty lot and find some cinder blocks. I’m pretty sure you got at least one fr... actually. Some of you nerds don’t got friends. So lemme try this again... you can go get the cinder blocks yourself. Just lay 'em on top of the bank and when some people come skate it- you can make new friends! Then, all you dweebs can all chip in for some cement and actually skate a ledge on top of a bank. Like normal people. Wasn’t so hard, now was it?
5-0 grind to Switch crooked grind: Another lame ass, hip-gyrating, freak show on a curb. Whenever I see people do this trick, it reminds me of this one time when I was a kid and I seen this dude hula-hooping. I’m pretty sure his lip-gloss was popping and just the mental stain it left on my brain will no longer allow me to look at either a hula-hoop or this trick the same again for the rest of my life.
Lazerflip: Y'all serious with this trick? Because I was under the impression that this was some inside joke (ie: Lil B) that I wasn’t in on. People really like this trick? WOW. If this ain't the fukkin “Cinderella Story of tricks”, Iono what is. No. Seriously. Really?! This has to be some kinda joke. Cause this is one ugly ass trick. What kinda weirdo would be caught in the air with his board twirling under his butt? Nah. Y'all are kidding, right?
Tricks into/off metal grates onto walls, off ledges or any corniness of sorts: Heeeeey!! look’eh me, Im skating in the city!! Stop it, dawg. There’s nothing hard about skating something that slows you down 80% when you hit it. Doing a trick into or off one of these is equivalent to doing a flatground trick while holding your body against a counter.
Firecracker: I’ll give 2 people hall passes for this trick: Dustin Dolin and Beagle. Why? Cause they some real n!kkaz. Matter of fact, Dustin is Australian. Which, by default, makes him somewhat of a real n!gga in a historical sense. Beagle likes chicken and has a afro, which coincidentally, makes him a real n!gga, too. What? I'm kickin facts here. Oh yea. That trick. Dumb. If you ain't one of them two, you’re a lame and I’m sure your back truck is on the verge of falling off from participating in such a ridiculous stunt.
180-flip tricks over poles: This is the biggest illusion in skateboarding. Plus, something people have been getting away with for years, unchecked. Look. If you don’t go up and flip while all 4 wheels are over said pole and then turn, that's cheating. If you don’t like it, well that's too bad. You’re a cheater and no one takes you serious anyways. See how that works?
Hippie Jump: I’m on the fence about to either tear apart the name or the trick itself. See, Iono about yall, but when I think of hippies, I think of sweaty vagina. Terrible dancing. The smell of old baseball glove, emitting from the sun-soaked pores of some drug-induced bohemian. People rolling around in mud. You get the picture. With that said, who the hell named this trick?! I’m going to think of another name for this. I would go with crip-hop, but that's already taken. I’ll get back to y'all on this one.
In the meantime, it’s final week. Until next time.
Honorable mentions: the unnecessary boneless, late-flips, pivot-to tail on a mini-ramp, pushing down the street and the no-comply pole jam.
For those who missed it, here's part 1...
For those who missed it, here's part 1...
And here's his newest one. Thanks Clyde!